Dear my kid’s best friend’s

[la_rainette]

Dear my kid’s best friend’s mother, 

Shut up. Shut THE FUCK up. 

I can’t stop you from making your child, YOUR CHILD, unwelcome in your house, but you FUCKING don’t decide how I feel about her staying at my place. Don’t you DARE accuse her of being an imposition on us. Don’t you DARE tell her that she’s being “unfair to us by staying here”. I really don’t get why you’re going out of your way to try and make her feel unwelcome in this world - what are you hoping to achieve? What purpose does your spite serve?

You don’t get to decide how I feel, or if she’s welcome to stay under my roof or not. *I* get to to that, and she *IS* welcome here anytime. 

Not shut the fuck up and leave her alone. 

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Comments

[genarti]

Poor kid. I'm really glad she's got your kid as a friend and you to give her a home she is welcome in, but poor kid to have a mother who talks to her like that.

[la_rainette]

There are many ways in which I am also sorry for her mom - she's not having an easy time, and frankly she's a brave, strong woman who's done many brave, strong things in her life... but yeah, the way she treats her daughter isn't one of them. It isn't the first time V lands up on our doorstep but it IS the first time I see her cry that hard and be that distraught. :(

[tealin]

Speaking only from my own experience of being raised with the values of 'don't bother people', 'take up as little space as possible' and 'don't invite yourself to the party', I have to wonder if that mom grew up in an abusive situation where she internalized and universalized the idea that one must stay out of the way of others, and that mere presence is being 'in the way.' It may not come from a place of spite or a deliberate effort to undermine her daughter's confidence at all, though of course that is an inevitable result...

Possibly politically incorrect question, but: are they French Canadian?

[la_rainette]

And I get that because I am always afraid of bothering people - which I have from my own mother who's made this into a complicated dance where you have to invite her three times AND remind her constantly that she isn't bothering you to the point where it does start to bother you :D

I have no problem with politically incorrect questions, no worries, and I raise you a politically incorrect answer: nope, they're Ukrainian. Their relationship somewhat reminds me of abusive coach/athlete relationships I've seen in the skating world.

A long long time ago, when she was very little, Froglet did terrible at a skating competition - she fell three times and was in tears - so I ran over to her, gave her a long, long hug, and then went to the dressing room with her. In the dressing room, there was another competitor who'd fallen several times; she was sitting on a bench, hunched and red faced and crying, and in front of her was this woman who was literally YELLING at her in Russian (or what I assumed to be Russian - I've heard a lot of Russian in my life, so even if I don't speak the language at all I recognize a Slavic language when I hear it.) Froglet and I sat huddled together, as far from them as we could, while Froglet changed and got her stuff together. The minute we were out the door my tiny Froglet turned to me and hugged me hard, burying her head against me, whispering "thank you for being my mommy".

I've never forgotten this because it was that awful. I don't know if the woman yelling at that child was a coach or a parent, and I am certainly not saying that this is something Slavic people do in general, but it's possible that it's culturally less unacceptable than it is here? I don't really know.

V's mom has a hard life, that much is for sure. She's done many brave, strong things in her life, but right now she's under a lot of stress - she's selling her small business and moving from Toronto, she doesn't yet know where she will live next - and it looks like it's taking a toll on her and she's taking it out on her daughter. If she's said to V "I hate you" (I am not doubting V's word, just questioning her interpretation of things, because I think they fought really hard), that's just... I don't even know.

ANYWAYS. They've had a rocky relationship for as long as we've known them. There have been ups and downs and quite ridiculous moments (the mom once took V to a restaurant to celebrate one of V's achievements, they got into an argument, and the mom left the table and went home, leaving V behind. V had to make her own way home on public transit. And it's just an example.)

[tealin]

Ah, traditional family values! How nice to see they transcend culture and language.

Sounds like an awful situation for V, especially at an age when you're old enough to know what's going on but unable to escape it. I hope she spends a lot more time at your place before they leave.