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The enemy within
Jul. 14th, 2016 08:19 amI've been telling myself that I would, someday, make a long, in-depth, well-documented post about mental health issues, but it's been about 6 months since I started thinking about it and it still hasn't happened, so I'll make it short and sweet instead, and maybe the long post is still gestating and will get written someday. (But chances are I am going to start talking about my kids, music and the life of bees instead, but that's okay too :D ).
As some of you know, I navigated complicated waters in the past few years. I have no exact scientific words to describe what happened to me yet - I've read a number of interesting books on the subject but I think I have yet to make it all fit together, and whatever I did to haul myself out of the hellhole my life had become, I did it mostly on my own so I have only my own input.
I do know this, though: my reward system was completely shot and I didn't know it. To me, the hardest bit, the thing that took the most time, was to realize and accept that I could not trust my own feelings anymore.
All my life I had depended on my brain. I had always felt like I could trust my brain to understand the universe, the people around me, and myself. And so it took me a really long time to figure out that my brain was lying to me.
And once I had figured that out, it took me a little time to slowly get back on my feet again, but the thing is, after a while you gather momentum. The first time you feel yourself mentally hauling yourself up, you notice, "oooooh look, I did this!" And then the following time, you're able to draw on that memory to help you back up, even if it's hard, even if it sucks. You've done it once, dammit, you can do it again! The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Neurons that fire together wire together, see - brain plasticity was my best friend as I put myself back together, just as it had been my worst enemy as I was going down.
I am not saying that it's entirely over, but I have learned to identify the moments when my brain lies to me. Sometimes I fire a quick email to a friend to seek confirmation ("this is my brain saying shit to me and trying to trick me, yes?") when it gets exceptionally bad, but usually I can ride it through, wait it out, beat it back.
And I am thinking of my friends out here (I have a few names in mind, you know who you are) who have been battling stubborn mental health issues for longer than I have... and I want to tell them that it gets better with time - but I am not sure it does, I was pretty lucky and everyone's story is different after all.
So I am telling them that I love them and I respect them for the courage and strength and grace they show every day when they get up in the morning and fight the enemy within.
You're awesome. <3
As some of you know, I navigated complicated waters in the past few years. I have no exact scientific words to describe what happened to me yet - I've read a number of interesting books on the subject but I think I have yet to make it all fit together, and whatever I did to haul myself out of the hellhole my life had become, I did it mostly on my own so I have only my own input.
I do know this, though: my reward system was completely shot and I didn't know it. To me, the hardest bit, the thing that took the most time, was to realize and accept that I could not trust my own feelings anymore.
All my life I had depended on my brain. I had always felt like I could trust my brain to understand the universe, the people around me, and myself. And so it took me a really long time to figure out that my brain was lying to me.
And once I had figured that out, it took me a little time to slowly get back on my feet again, but the thing is, after a while you gather momentum. The first time you feel yourself mentally hauling yourself up, you notice, "oooooh look, I did this!" And then the following time, you're able to draw on that memory to help you back up, even if it's hard, even if it sucks. You've done it once, dammit, you can do it again! The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Neurons that fire together wire together, see - brain plasticity was my best friend as I put myself back together, just as it had been my worst enemy as I was going down.
I am not saying that it's entirely over, but I have learned to identify the moments when my brain lies to me. Sometimes I fire a quick email to a friend to seek confirmation ("this is my brain saying shit to me and trying to trick me, yes?") when it gets exceptionally bad, but usually I can ride it through, wait it out, beat it back.
And I am thinking of my friends out here (I have a few names in mind, you know who you are) who have been battling stubborn mental health issues for longer than I have... and I want to tell them that it gets better with time - but I am not sure it does, I was pretty lucky and everyone's story is different after all.
So I am telling them that I love them and I respect them for the courage and strength and grace they show every day when they get up in the morning and fight the enemy within.
You're awesome. <3
